Do you cherish that friend who gave you strength and support to tide over a difficult time? Don’t you look up to that family member who accepted you unconditionally? Aren’t you always grateful to a colleague who worked overtime just to help you meet a tight deadline?
Enriching relationships are a source of nutrition for the soul. How beautiful it is to spend life with someone who knows us like the back of their palm and someone who is always there. At every stage of life, we find ourselves nurturing one relationship or the other – Bonding with parents, growing up with siblings, cherishing friendships, socializing with relatives, working with colleagues, caring for spouse, parenting our children, tending to the elderly, and so on. Investing our valuable and limited resources of time, energy and money feels worthwhile. Yet, not all relationships seem fulfilling. From time to time, barriers of ego, conflicts, tension, resentment, pain of unfulfilled expectations somehow stand between us and the other person. But good news is that we are creators of our every relationship. And it takes only one person – not both of us – to harmonize a struggling connection.
If we turn our attention away from them to focus on ourselves, we can bring about a shift in our consciousness – a shift that will let mutual love and respect flourish.
Let’s explore them :-
Shift from Speaking well to Thinking well
A relationship transcends words and behaviours. It is an exchange of energy at the level of thoughts first, followed by words and actions. Thoughts energy travels faster than words. Therefore, thoughts communication is faster and more powerful than our words and actions. This means how we think about someone while we are with them and while we are away from them, decides how strong our bond is. Our thoughts travel and reach the other person as vibrations, triggering similar feelings in them about us. We believed people know only what we speak and do, and will never know what we think. So we didn’t pay attention to thoughts. So if our thoughts for them were judgmental, while words were polite and behaviour was perfect, that relationship stands on a fragile foundation.
Shift from Blame to Personal Responsibility
Our deep-seated belief is that someone else is responsible for our thoughts, feelings, words and behaviours. So we say “They were rude, obviously I got angry.” or “She cheated me, naturally I felt hurt.” When we blame people and situations for how we feel, we will continue to feel that way ’till they change’. Truth is that no-one can make us happy or sad. People’s behaviours are the stimulus. How we think, feel and behave in response is always our creation, our choice. The more we blame people, situations, God or our destiny for how we feel, the more we will cross every scene unaware of our responsibility. When we take personal responsibility for our state of being, attention will be only on our emotional creation. We can change our thoughts and feeling whenever we want. Let’s shift from an automated way of reacting to an aware way of responding – with stability, compassion and love.
Shift from Expectations to Acceptance
Expectation is an inner programming that says,
“I want people to be my way. Only then I’ll be happy. Else I get upset.”
Most of us today are coming into relationships to experience happiness, love, respect, trust and appreciation. The other person also expects these from us. Both have forgotten that these energies are our internal creation. So we look for them outside from each other. Let’s internalize that no two people can consistently meet each other’s expectations, as they have been on a long journey of different lifetimes, situations and environments. Their perspectives, capacity and nature are bound to be different. Accepting people as they are is the secret to harmony. Acceptance doesn’t mean we let people do what they want. It only means we do not get emotionally disturbed by their words or behaviours. We can request, instruct, advice or discipline people. But their meeting our expectation is a matter of their choice. Our stability radiates respect to people, strengthening relationships. Even if we need to take action externally to discipline them, important is to remain stable internally.
Shift from Holding on to letting go
Soon after a conflict or difference of opinion, most of us go into long periods of negative silence. We subject family or friends to a ‘silent treatment’, not talking to them for hours, days or months. We believe it helps to make our point, to heal ourselves or to punish them in a subtle way. But the communication breakdown creates deeply negative energy as we cling on to negative and wrong thoughts. Our mind gets clouded by resentment and retaliation. It rewinds and re-opens even past emotional wounds as well. We create thousands of toxic thoughts, accumulate our pain and radiate vibrations of rejection to the other person. Let’s say everything we need to say to them and thereafter, return to normal thoughts and behaviours immediately. They are after all, our loved ones and well-wishers. Their wellbeing is our priority. Resuming communication is the easiest way to save the relationship. It protects each other’s happiness, health, and most importantly, creates the right culture at home or workplace.
Shift from Seeking to Giving
Reflecting on our past and present relationships shows that all discords are only because of unmet ‘wants’ which either of us had. Often, we start as ‘givers’ but gradually shift to the seeking side of things. Relationships are not a matter of ‘give-and-take’ between two people. Our role is always to take love, happiness, acceptance and power from God, and then give to other people. So it is take-and-give. Taking the energy from God and then radiating them to everyone, all the time. When we give something, we are the first person to receive its energy. Moreover, giving is our original quality. Let’s re-enter our relationships with a consciousness of giving, not wanting. If we want love, we give love. If we want happiness, we give happiness. We shift from “Accept me, trust me, understand me” to “I accept, trust and understand you.” Radiating our love, power and purity makes us a master who gives, not a slave who is dependent on others.
BK Sister Shivani
An Internationally renowned speaker known for the ability to empower people